From Jimmy Dean, publisher:
As a special holiday gift, we’re thrilled to present this unique collaboration between two nationally acclaimed artists who have both called our area home. I’ve spent many holidays with best-selling Florida novelist Bob Morris and illustrator Chris Browne over the years and have always thought their work would beautifully compliment each other. Chris is, as many know, Hagar the Horrible in the comics, and Bob’s newest, twistiest, tastiest novel yet, A Deadly Silver Sea, is in bookstores now.
It is with great holiday well-wishes we present to you…

With all due respect to traditional holiday carols, who among us here in Florida doesn’t feel just a little odd singing some of the songs we’re saddled with this time of year? I mean, I’m pretty sure there’s an ordinance in my neighborhood against roasting chestnuts on an open fire, and the last time I had a silent night was when the power went out and the neighbor’s A.C. stopped humming.

This first one goes out to our favorite endangered, uh, threatened, uh, maybe not-so threatened species:

God Rest Ye Merry Manatees
(Sung to the tune of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”)
God rest ye merry manatees, let nothing you dismay
Remember “Idle Only” zones are meant to save the day
To rescue you from spinning props
Where’er you swim and play
Oh-oh watch out — here comes a real fast yacht
Real fast yacht
Oh-oh watch out — here comes a real fast yacht
In harbors and in waterways, you blessed mammals roam
Along come boats with motors revved and churning lots of foam
Wish you were armed with hand grenades
So you could protect your home
Oh-oh watch out — here comes a real fast yacht
Real fast yacht
Oh-h watch out – here comes a real fast yacht.

We Floridians have a certain reputation to uphold, whether we like it or not:

Oh, Tanning Booth
(Sung to the tune of “O Tannenbaum”)
Oh tanning booth, Oh tanning booth!
I’m going north for Christmas.
Oh tanning booth, Oh tanning booth!
I think you know my wish list.
Folks back up home think all I do
Is hit the beach and drink cold brew
I need a tan, a Florida tan
So I can gloat at Christmas.
Oh tanning booth, Oh tanning booth!
Please bronze me in a hurry.
Oh tanning booth, Oh tanning booth!
Skin cancer? I won’t worry.
I want a deep, dark camel tan
Make me just like George Hamilton
Oh tanning booth, Oh tanning booth!
I must be brown by Christmas.

In that well-heeled community at the mouth of Charlotte Harbor, certain events of a reptilian nature inspire us to sing:

O Little Town of Boca Grande
(Sung to the tune of “O Little Town of Bethlehem”)
O little town of Boca Grande, across that long causeway
Where tarpon leap and rich folks sleep and golf carts rule the day.
Yet in your yards there sunning — an e’er more common sight:
Iguanas, some near three-feet long,
My gosh, they’re quite a fright.
O little town of Boca Grande, whatever will you do?
Those scaly lizards don’t belong amongst the likes of you.
To mingle in your company, they just don’t have the right.
So grab a pan and heat some oil
I bet they taste good fried.

And, sooner or later, all of us must endure a certain plague of the season. To wit:

Your Winter Guests are
Coming to Town
(Sung to the tune of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”)
Oh you better watch out, it’s okay if you pout
You’re welcome to cry, I’m telling you why:
You’re winter guests are coming to town.
Yes, it’s that time of year when they always drop in
Hang out a few weeks, drink all of your gin
You’re winter guests are coming to town.
You hardly even know them
And yet they come to stay.
They golf and eat and have a ball
And expect for you to pay.
Oh, there’s the doorbell, those jerks have arrived
Third-cousin Louise and her fourth husband, Clive
Your winter guests are coming to town.

And if you plan a holiday stroll on the beach, please keep in mind:

Tingle Shell
(Sung to the tune of “Jingle Bells”)
Walking ‘long the beach in bikini and bare feet
I spot a pretty shell — How very, very neat.
I stoop to pick it up — My gosh, it looks so fab
And then the shell it bites my hand
The darn thing holds a crab!
Oh, tingle shells, tingle shells, tingle all the way!
Best to look before you grab or else you’ll surely pay.
Oh, tingle shells, tingle shells, tingle all the way!
It’s no fun to grab a whelk and have it ruin your day.

Happy Holidays, y’all!

Bob Morris is a fourth-generation Floridian and author of a series of Caribbean-based mystery novels, including Bahamarama, Jamaica Me Dead and Bermuda Schwartz. For more information, visit www.bobmorris.net.

Chris Browne is the talent behind Hagar the Horrible, the loveable Viking seen in 1,900 newspapers worldwide. A longtime resident of Siesta Key, he now resides in Sioux Falls, South Dakota where he continues his father Dik’s work on Hagar and illustrates books and magazines for audiences worldwide. Find out more about Chris Browne at www.thehistorylesson.blogspot.com.